Letter to the toxic ex...

Dear you,

March 4, 2002 changed my life. It was the day we met. You were such a cocky asshole. I couldn’t figure out why the hell you wouldn’t stop talking to me. We had a little in common, but not enough for all that. You just wouldn’t go away. That Friday night I saw you again. And again Saturday. We danced; we went for a walk and talked. You made me smile, I have to admit. And it didn’t hurt that you looked just like one of my favorite musical artists. I’ll admit, I was hooked. It took you less than a week. That Sunday night, March 10, as we sat under the stars, you told me I was taken. And I agreed. For a whirlwind two weeks, we were inseparable. And then you found out you were leaving. Before you went, you told me that we could drag out the inevitable or I could just agree to marry you right then and there. Which I did. The long distance relationship was hard, but we made it work. We made plans to get married in July. I couldn’t have been happier. Until you didn’t show up. And I was crushed. But, idiot that I was, I took you back.

The next three years were a roller coaster for us. We split up, we got back together, over and over again. I stayed with you while you were in jail, despite the cheating, the lying, all of it. I started planning another wedding once you were out of jail. Until I found out you married someone else…and she was having your baby.

This letter is not about me forgiving you. I have no animosity toward you anymore. I let go of that a long time ago. But now I’m also letting go of all the good memories too. You taught me a lot about myself and for that I will always be grateful to you. You were my first love and you will always hold a piece of my heart. For a long time you were the standard that I held guys to. I’d compare things they did with what you would do in the same situation. Now, instead of the standard, you’re more the cautionary tale. It’s no longer about guys measuring up to you, it’s about them not measuring down to you, so to speak. I’ll never again let a guy treat me the way you did. I’m not forgiving you with this. I’m forgiving myself. I’m forgiving myself for believing you when you said you loved me, for taking you back all those times, for letting you control my life for as long as you did. It’s beyond time to close that chapter of my life, a chapter that began when I was 18. I’m putting you out of my head and out of my heart. Not to mention out of my life.

Thank you, for making me a stronger woman, a more confident woman. For helping me learn what I want and don’t want in a man and in a relationship. Thank you…and good bye.

Dear you...

Mental purge time. Before I can get down to the bulk of my letters, the more detailed ones, I need to do a purge. It’s “Dear you” time.

Dear you, I miss you. I miss our talks and I wish I knew what it was I did.
Dear you, I’m glad we’ve gotten closer over the last few years and hope it only gets better.
Dear you, you’re a pompous, sanctimonious asshole. Too bad cause I really did love you.
Dear you, I’m afraid someday it’ll come down to a me-or-her decision…and I’m terrified you’ll pick her.
Dear you, I’m sorry I stopped being cool enough for you. Thought we were above all that bullshit.
Dear you, I don’t even know you and you treat me better than just about anyone I do know.
Dear you, I didn’t mean it when I let you out of our deal.
Dear you, I worry about you.
Dear you, if this doesn’t work out I hope we can hold on to our friendship.
Dear you, I’m so glad we’ve managed to not let our parents’ b.s. get in our way.
Dear you, make up your damn mind. Cause I can’t take this yo-yo shit anymore.
Dear you, it pissed me off that you ended it before I did…and she’s so not prettier than me.
Dear you, why couldn’t you just tell me? It hurts that I had to find out the way I did.

Wow, that actually feels better. A lot better. Now come the hard letters. Hope I’m up to it.

Spring is in the air

It’s that time. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and it’s hot as hell. It’s spring! Which means it’s time for some spring cleaning.

Now I know normally that’s when you clean out your house, scrub top to bottom, get rid of all the crap you don’t want and I’m doing that part too. But I think I need to do some personal spring cleaning as well. No, that’s not my way of saying I need to shower. It’s more of a metaphor. I need to clean out my life. It’s pretty cluttered. In my cell right now, I have close to 90 contacts. I only ever talk to about a dozen or so of them. I have all these things from my past that I’m still holding on to. With really no clue why. It’s kinda like my bookmarks on my browser. Some of them I don’t even know what they are, some of the links are broken. Why the hell do I hold on to them?

Physically, I hold on to really unnecessary stuff. I still have my senior prom dress. Which I am never gonna wear again. I’m 25 years old and I still have clothes I wore when I was 18. Even if they still fit (which most of them don’t), how ridiculous would I look wearing that shit? I need to get rid of it. I have pictures of people and places that I don’t even ever want to see again. I have little mementoes from everything. In one box alone, I have the shirt I wore on my first date with my ex-fiance, all the letters and cards I ever got from him, a teddy bear from him, a Black and Mild (just cause he smoked them), the wristband from the first club we went to together. This is a man who cheated on me, lied to me, generally treated me like crap, and then married someone else while I was planning our wedding (for the third time!). Why am I holding on to things that remind me of him? And is that part of the reason that I can’t make a relationship work right now? Cause I’m still holding on to “the one that got away”? I’m thinking that that is a big part of it. Every time I get near a new relationship, I start analyzing the others and how they all went wrong and I get kind of obsessive about not repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Or I compare the new guy to other guys I’ve dated. And of course they don’t meet the standards that I have set. I don’t seem to have the ability to just take things as they come and recognize that each new situation is just that: NEW. What I did or what was done to me in the past has no bearing on what’s gonna happen this time. And if things do seem to repeat in my life is that because it’s something that I’m doing? Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think this guy’s gonna leave me like the last one so I end up driving him away? Definitely food for thought.

Finally I do need to spring clean my body. But not of dirt. Of this extra 30 pounds I’m carrying. I’m admitting now that I do have a problem with food. I binge (but I don’t purge), I sneak food, hide food, lie about food. It is a problem. And it’s part of what’s keeping me from losing weight. That and another somewhat self-fulfilling prophecy. I can blame my weight for guys not hitting on me when I go out. But what if I lose the weight and they still don’t? That’s a hard pill to swallow. Not sure how I’d handle that, to be honest. But I need to face that by dropping this weight. I need to. For Dom, if not for myself. What the hell would he do if I actually made myself sick because of these bad habits? But I know that this is gonna be the hardest part. The possessions I have no problem tossing once I get started. The mental, that’s what the blog is for. Be prepared for lots of letters to lots of people, just so I can get all this shit out of my brain and over with. But the physical, the weight is gonna be my hard part. Changing my food habits and my self-image, I’m just not sure how to go about it.

Well, buckle up. It’s gonna be a long spring and I think a pretty bumpy road.