Dear you...

Mental purge time. Before I can get down to the bulk of my letters, the more detailed ones, I need to do a purge. It’s “Dear you” time.

Dear you, I miss you. I miss our talks and I wish I knew what it was I did.
Dear you, I’m glad we’ve gotten closer over the last few years and hope it only gets better.
Dear you, you’re a pompous, sanctimonious asshole. Too bad cause I really did love you.
Dear you, I’m afraid someday it’ll come down to a me-or-her decision…and I’m terrified you’ll pick her.
Dear you, I’m sorry I stopped being cool enough for you. Thought we were above all that bullshit.
Dear you, I don’t even know you and you treat me better than just about anyone I do know.
Dear you, I didn’t mean it when I let you out of our deal.
Dear you, I worry about you.
Dear you, if this doesn’t work out I hope we can hold on to our friendship.
Dear you, I’m so glad we’ve managed to not let our parents’ b.s. get in our way.
Dear you, make up your damn mind. Cause I can’t take this yo-yo shit anymore.
Dear you, it pissed me off that you ended it before I did…and she’s so not prettier than me.
Dear you, why couldn’t you just tell me? It hurts that I had to find out the way I did.

Wow, that actually feels better. A lot better. Now come the hard letters. Hope I’m up to it.

Spring is in the air

It’s that time. The birds are singing, the sun is shining, and it’s hot as hell. It’s spring! Which means it’s time for some spring cleaning.

Now I know normally that’s when you clean out your house, scrub top to bottom, get rid of all the crap you don’t want and I’m doing that part too. But I think I need to do some personal spring cleaning as well. No, that’s not my way of saying I need to shower. It’s more of a metaphor. I need to clean out my life. It’s pretty cluttered. In my cell right now, I have close to 90 contacts. I only ever talk to about a dozen or so of them. I have all these things from my past that I’m still holding on to. With really no clue why. It’s kinda like my bookmarks on my browser. Some of them I don’t even know what they are, some of the links are broken. Why the hell do I hold on to them?

Physically, I hold on to really unnecessary stuff. I still have my senior prom dress. Which I am never gonna wear again. I’m 25 years old and I still have clothes I wore when I was 18. Even if they still fit (which most of them don’t), how ridiculous would I look wearing that shit? I need to get rid of it. I have pictures of people and places that I don’t even ever want to see again. I have little mementoes from everything. In one box alone, I have the shirt I wore on my first date with my ex-fiance, all the letters and cards I ever got from him, a teddy bear from him, a Black and Mild (just cause he smoked them), the wristband from the first club we went to together. This is a man who cheated on me, lied to me, generally treated me like crap, and then married someone else while I was planning our wedding (for the third time!). Why am I holding on to things that remind me of him? And is that part of the reason that I can’t make a relationship work right now? Cause I’m still holding on to “the one that got away”? I’m thinking that that is a big part of it. Every time I get near a new relationship, I start analyzing the others and how they all went wrong and I get kind of obsessive about not repeating the same mistakes over and over again. Or I compare the new guy to other guys I’ve dated. And of course they don’t meet the standards that I have set. I don’t seem to have the ability to just take things as they come and recognize that each new situation is just that: NEW. What I did or what was done to me in the past has no bearing on what’s gonna happen this time. And if things do seem to repeat in my life is that because it’s something that I’m doing? Kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy. I think this guy’s gonna leave me like the last one so I end up driving him away? Definitely food for thought.

Finally I do need to spring clean my body. But not of dirt. Of this extra 30 pounds I’m carrying. I’m admitting now that I do have a problem with food. I binge (but I don’t purge), I sneak food, hide food, lie about food. It is a problem. And it’s part of what’s keeping me from losing weight. That and another somewhat self-fulfilling prophecy. I can blame my weight for guys not hitting on me when I go out. But what if I lose the weight and they still don’t? That’s a hard pill to swallow. Not sure how I’d handle that, to be honest. But I need to face that by dropping this weight. I need to. For Dom, if not for myself. What the hell would he do if I actually made myself sick because of these bad habits? But I know that this is gonna be the hardest part. The possessions I have no problem tossing once I get started. The mental, that’s what the blog is for. Be prepared for lots of letters to lots of people, just so I can get all this shit out of my brain and over with. But the physical, the weight is gonna be my hard part. Changing my food habits and my self-image, I’m just not sure how to go about it.

Well, buckle up. It’s gonna be a long spring and I think a pretty bumpy road.